Family Matters

[twoapplesplease]

O.K. sorry if this in the wrong thread but I thought this more of a serious discussion.

SO recently I moved from wyoming to michigan because of a new job.And my family lives in wisconsin and I have not really seen them in the last 5 years because I have been traveling the country doing seasonal jobs.Well when I stoped by home on my way from WY to MI my father drops this bomb on me.He's recently been diagnosed with cancer and has already been through 5 operations.Now I was pretty shocked and wasn't really ready for any more details.But its cancer and I know thats bad enuff.So any way what should I do?My new job however much I like it ,I'm still too far away to visit him,but I'm close enuff to make it to the hospital if needed.Anyways My new job I like it but it does not pay well.And as alot of people know cancer can take years, but it can also take weeks.

My options stay here in michigan and move in the summer too be closer.Or just move as soon as I can because really I just got here and am not tied down.I've only been here a month.

So I'm making a decision in the next day or two anyone have advice. Edited September 19, 2009 by twoapplesplease

[NIGHTS OF BAGHDAD]

speaking has someone who lost a uncle to cancer on my b-day i can tell you this..no job is worth choosing over family..whats money good for if you dont have family..especially the man who brought you to this world..if it were me i would drop everything and go home and be with my dad..you never know maybe seeing the family together will help him mentally and physically and he can recover...but you need to be with your family right now they need you and you need them..jobs will always be there..sometimes easier to find and sometimes harder to find..but family is blood and your nothing without your family..go home and be with your dad man..he needs to see the whole family together..you dont want to live the rest of your live only to regret not being there...

[twoapplesplease]

You are right NOB its they way I'm leaning.
My other concern Is that I really can't just move in with my parents.I'm seriously alergic to cats and since I moved away from home they now have 4.I have a few options though and I'm trying to work them out.I'm not a city person but I might be looking at moving to minneapolis.Which is an hour from my parents and where he most likelly is going for treatment.

But I also don't have much money saved and Its not like minneapolis is cheap.I do have a freind who is near there and I might be able to covince him to get an appt. with me.he lives near my folks and drives to the cities for work every day.I'm trying to get ahold of him this weekend. Edited September 19, 2009 by twoapplesplease

[Tyler]

Go home, get a job, pay off debt and save up some money, be with your father.

[twoapplesplease]

I do wish it was that easy.My parents would't want me there anyway nor would I like to live with them.But We do like seeing each other and being a family and doing things together we just don't live well together.
I don't have any debt. I only got some 2000 bucks saved.
Jobs are really hard to come buy near my folks but I'm sure I can find something in minneapolis.Its just really really hard to find a place there and a job before running out of cash.

Theres a lot of if's but one thing for certain I must move closer very soon.I've just been way stressed out about all the details and such.That I've kinda tried to pretend like it was no biggie but now its starting too eat at me agin and I know what I must do But I don't know how I'm gonna do it.

I'm just way stressed.I'm goona go smoke at the light house and think awhile thanks for the reply's and advice, I knew what I should do but the stress is crushing me.

[StreetBob]

I do wish it was that easy.My parents would't want me there anyway nor would I like to live with them.But We do like seeing each other and being a family and doing things together we just don't live well together.
I don't have any debt. I only got some 2000 bucks saved.
Jobs are really hard to come buy near my folks but I'm sure I can find something in minneapolis.Its just really really hard to find a place there and a job before running out of cash.

Theres a lot of if's but one thing for certain I must move closer very soon.I've just been way stressed out about all the details and such.That I've kinda tried to pretend like it was no biggie but now its starting too eat at me agin and I know what I must do But I don't know how I'm gonna do it.

I'm just way stressed.I'm goona go smoke at the light house and think awhile thanks for the reply's and advice, I knew what I should do but the stress is crushing me.

Hard to argue that now is the time to spend with family, while you can. I understand the struggle your having though, and the flip side makes sense if you turn the tables... for example, if I had cancer I would not want my kids to quit their jobs to see me in my potential last days... come see me when they can, yes, but don't do anything that would make their life tougher down the road. Jobs are tough to come by nowadays... I always want to be a positive influence in my loved ones lives, not a disrupted influence.

That may not have helped, I'm sorry, but there are lots of things to consider. There is no right or wrong answer, just the answer you decide to take.

Best of luck to you and your family. Edited September 19, 2009 by StreetBob

[Rani]

The only wishes that should count here are your parents. You really need to talk to them and find out what they need from you. It may be your father didn't tell you because he didn't want to have to worry about what his illness would do to you. It may also be that he would prefer you more distant so you don't see what he's going through but call him every day so you can talk. On the other hand he may have just been afraid to tell you for fear you wouldn't be there. Your mother may need you there to help her or would rather you not be near to worry about when all her focus is on her husband. There are so many emotions wrapped up in everyone when dealing with a serious illness and the only ones that truly matter are the ones who themselves are ill. This really isn't a you decision - it's a them decision. I think if you talk to them and ask what you can do to for them, that you want to be with your father but not if it causes him more worry during his illness, etc. Find out what they need and then honor them by giving it to them. That way you know that you've done the best for them you can and honored their wishes and helped them in the way they needed help. You're obviously concerned and loving of your father and mother and I don't believe you'd have any heartbreak if you work with them to give them what they need and want from you even if it's not what your first instinct tells you to do.

'Rani

[twoapplesplease]

thanks boho I've today started down that sort of path.Its a very complex thing for sure.I'll be more easy in a few days.I was just having one of those overwhelmed by all the stresses of life moments.And needed to vent a little.Like I said I just moved to a new place as well and I don't know anyone within 400 miles of here so that seems to be not helping as far as having a good freind to sit down with and chat about life.Anyways thanks agin guys I know I can always count on ya's

[delSol_si]

Family first in my book. I got fired/quit one of my jobs for my family. Know how long it took me to decide on that one? 10 min tops. I was working at Sears and Royal N'Orleans at the time. It was mid to late november. My dad fell out of a tree and broke his back a few months before. My parents told me to finish school as they didn't want me to fall behind, so I did. When the fall break came around, I decided to go visit them. I asked off several weeks in advance at both jobs. Both jobs respectfully granted my time off. About 3 days before I was set to go home and help take care of my dad, Sears decides to put me on the schedule anyway. I go talk to the manager, and explain that I have to go home to help my dad out since his back is broke, they said "too bad, you have to work" and I said "I can't, my family comes first" and their response was "We don't care, either you come in when you are scheduled or you are fired." I went back to work for about 10 min, then went back into the office and said "I quit at the end of my shift tomorrow." and went home to help my dad.

Yes, bills are important to pay, money is important, but there are trillions upon trillions of dollars out there, you only have ONE family. And like others have said, money means absolutely NOTHING if you don't have family. When your family dies, they are gone, finished, will not come back. When your money is gone, you can always get some more later.

I would talk to your parents and see if maybe they would consider getting rid of the cats possibly. Either that, or as long as you are living close enough to where you can go see them any time you want, I think that would be good enough, no more than an hour away. I can understand not wanting to live with your parents. I love my parents like crazy but wouldn't want to live with them permanently.

[twoapplesplease]

yea the job means nothing but still have to have one and there not as easy to come buy these days.I got ahold of a buddie who's moving to apple vally area around nov.-dec. and plan on being roomies. this is about 50 min from my parents place.And now I'm working on staying with my aunt(dads sister)untill I can snag a job.and get the place with my freind.she lives in burnsville so its close to apple vally.She also has been through some very very ruff times latly and it would be nice too see her as well.
agin thanks guys

[NIGHTS OF BAGHDAD]

try looking in in the want ads, there are alot of people out there looking to share there homes and split the rent or maybe find a job near the area you need to be..

[TizaNabi]

I just finished answering your letter, and saw this from 12 days ago! I can tell you from my perspective that I left Israel all our children and wife to visit my father who was in Michigan. He was 62, and I 35. He didn't need me in the hospital, but asked me to come for moral support. I was there a month and then another brother left his family in Israel to go and I came back. I don't think its a matter of "should I". Luckily my boss gave me off with no pay. The point is then I was 35, now 56 and I catch myself saying, "Write him a letter, give him a call" yet he is in another dimension these 21 years having passed on within 2 months. If you are on good relations by all means stay as long as YOU think is necessary. If not, or you tend to get on each other's nerves, go for awhile and let him appreciate the short time that you didn't overstay. Its only in our adult years that we find out how "human "our parents are just like us, besides,we can only imagine judging them when we get to their age, their health situation as they were, their background, culture, their parents, the ammount of love they recieved, or abuse, etc. We can't ever judge them in short.

[TizaNabi]

The only wishes that should count here are your parents. You really need to talk to them and find out what they need from you. It may be your father didn't tell you because he didn't want to have to worry about what his illness would do to you. It may also be that he would prefer you more distant so you don't see what he's going through but call him every day so you can talk. On the other hand he may have just been afraid to tell you for fear you wouldn't be there. Your mother may need you there to help her or would rather you not be near to worry about when all her focus is on her husband. There are so many emotions wrapped up in everyone when dealing with a serious illness and the only ones that truly matter are the ones who themselves are ill. This really isn't a you decision - it's a them decision. I think if you talk to them and ask what you can do to for them, that you want to be with your father but not if it causes him more worry during his illness, etc. Find out what they need and then honor them by giving it to them. That way you know that you've done the best for them you can and honored their wishes and helped them in the way they needed help. You're obviously concerned and loving of your father and mother and I don't believe you'd have any heartbreak if you work with them to give them what they need and want from you even if it's not what your first instinct tells you to do.

'Rani

I really like Boho Wild Child's answer and the gent who said he wouldn't want his kids around if he had "that disease", I have 7 children mostly married, and we have great relations, but I saw in my Father's case that his older brother who wouldn't talk to my father for years after a deal with THEIR parents finally came to the hospital and they hugged and cried forgiveness for each other. It depends.

[twoapplesplease]

hey thanks agin guys.
After some disscusion with my folks the last few days.And the good results from my fathers recent check up.Every thing seems pretty good.No need to get over worried anymore.I can get back to life and not be so stressed out that I'm unable to do anything.Whew all is good and a huge weight has been lifted off my chest.

[ilikemyusername]

Go home, get a job, pay off debt and save up some money, be with your father.

Now heres a man who knows what he's talking about!
a second shot, I say go for it.
oh, and about being allergic to kitties, claratin will work wonders for you.

[Genie]

My Mom died of cancer in 2001. She lived three hours away from me. I took off as often as possible to go stay with her and spent as much time with her in the hospital as possible. I took her to her doctor's appointments whenever I could. Even though we weren't as close as I'd have liked, I didn't want to regret not being there for her.

My only advice is to do as much as you can so you don't regret what you didn't do later on. That being said, you still have to be able to work, and live, and take care of yourself as well, so I'd never suggest giving up your whole life to be there for your father. I can only speak from my own experience. Knowing I did all I could, within reason, gives me a great deal of peace. I didn't hesitate to recruit help from other family members, by the way, I'm no martyr.

I'm so sorry that he didn't tell you sooner. You must feel so cheated, I would if my mother had kept it from me for so long.

Once they're gone, that's it. I had a lot of time to grieve before my mother even passed so that when the time finally came, I was at peace with myself and with her. We said everything that needed to be said. I'd done all I could do (without completely abandoning my marriage and my business). Your Dad has robbed you of a lot of the time you could have been using to prepare for this. No doubt he thought he was doing you a favor, or perhaps he had some other logic that made sense to him. Regardless, you know now. Whatever you decide to do and however you decide to do it, I encourage you to make the most of the time you can manage to be with him. Whether he has weeks or years left, you can't get this time back.

And I am truly sorry for you and your family. I know what you're going through. Edited September 23, 2009 by Genie