Ok, so im trying to figure out where all this bad karma is coming from(i know, not the traditional Hindu sense of it, im not in the mood for semantics). i know i lived a wild life before. I was a prick and all, i did my share of bad living. But wtf i get it I've had e-fucking-nough. I've changed my life so much. I quit pot years ago. In highschool i was a womanizer you could say since i just wanted sex and no more. I am not proud of how all i lived but i changed. Now, i treat who im with the best and am searching for true love and a life partner, but i get used, abused, and fucked over. I've become a selfless person, always putting others ahead of myself and some take advantage of that. If i didn't have so many bills, honestly most of the money i make would go into random acts of kindness, and i still manage to maintain paying it forward like picking up someone's tab at the drive thru...but anyway...my back is fucked and will never be the same but will get better with my PT, never 100%. my ankle got screwed up a few months ago and is still size of baseball. My other leg i screwed up a week ago, bad sprained to tendons and ligaments around knee and calf(lots of pain now and im weak with a limp, hurts to stand or walk more than 20 mins plus hurts back). i also got diagnosed carpal tunnel both hands this past year. Irritable bowel issues im starting to question. Depression that was starting to get better but is back. Panic attacks/ Generalized Anxiety Disorder getting worse. And now that i turned 26 a few days ago i lost my health insurance and can't afford my own. Continuous woman woes when i just want someone to love and be loved, while being compatible and whatnot. My birthday was ruined for me for unnamed reasons and he didn't intend to and did it unknowingly. Next day im doing better after bday lunch with cousin and grandparents andthat got ruined when camp president personally attacked me for no reason, he apologized to camp but not me. Icing on the cake: tonight, my friendship with a kid that i lived with in college who is like a brother to me ended, as well as shit blowing up with other friend's mom over this and she was out of line, i will not return to there. He is begging for me back now but fuck this shit im done bending over and taking it raw unlubed. O and while this allcwent on i donated 13 inches of hair to charity(and i feel naked and hate short hair). i 100% do not believe in Christianity and never will because of my personal experiences, studies or religion and history, and common sense. I have been a proud pagan for 12 years(o btw i lost my beloved pentacle this past week that i only took off a few times in last 12 years) and fully believe it in my eclectic path that also adapts some shamanism, animism,Hinduism, budism, Judaism, and much more but roots in Wicca. But at this point with all of the crap, i don't know. Im losing faith in humanity, but im near the point of being atheist. Why does this all happen to me, why?!?! . listen to R.E.M.- Losing My Religion, as im about to(maybe im off because i don't know the lyrics in dept yet), but i am losing my faith in humanity and in general. Im thankfully for the good friends and family i do have, and therapy and the med:all of this gets me by day to day. If you notice me being more cynical and maniacal, understand why(like all of gradeschool being bullied and beaten up). but at the least, i won't let this bring me down(well outside of depression), i will still strive to be the best person i can(like giving my only drink for a long drive to a homeless guy at a traffic light last month), to be selfless, to be a decent citizen of the planet even thoughbthats a dying breed. If you need anything, im here for you, i always try to put others before myself. Thanks for reading, i just needed to get this off my chest. Now im going to put on some Infected Mushroom, meditate, and get some much needed sleep if the.pain will let me. Goodnight hookahforum, see you tomorrow.
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Below is a copy and paste from a note i just made on Facebook. There is so much more i could encompass like NDAA, fight for internet censorship globally, the filth of drone warfare...sooo much. I am a slactivist, i portal a lot of political memes and independent news on my Facebook when im not busy bitching about life. I consider myself apart of the Occupy movement although I've never attended, just use my fb as a portal....without further adue here it is:
As i see it, whether the Mayans, Egyptians, Nostradamus, or anyone else were right that all of the events surrounding 12/21/12 is in fact some sort of prophecy for doomsday or change, i hope its true. Seriously this world is so fucked up that you can't go to a mall, hospital, movie, school, etc safely, that someone would slaughter children. That our gov commits atrocities daily and we turn a blind eye, such as the murder of innocents with drone warfare and the terroristic double tap method we use and is against world sanctions. That we spy on our own with the guise of the patriot act. Whether its drones, unwarrented wiretapping, or Facebook, fuck off. I guess id rather them police their own then try to police the world like they do. Its time to help our country. Reform. End the federal reserve, they make Berny Madoff look like a kid stealing a candy bar from walmart. We have a massive debt that war continues to raise, a fucked up/corrupt healthcare system, many of our citizens go to bed not eating that day and without medication bc they can't afford it. College debt outweighs credit debt drastically, yet we bail out crooked banksters rather than the students(who can't even include college debt in bankruptcy). Students spend on average 5+ years in school to work at fast food and walmart. We outsource to bring cheaper products and services when these jobs could help our economy. Marijuana is illegal for no damn good reason and taxing and regulating it could save our economy...plus there are too many beneficials from legalizing such as medicine and cheap biofuel. People are killing each other in so called defense of America. People are slaughtering innocents like at Connecticut and Colorado for god fucking knows why. People are killing each other in the name of their all loving God. Fuck, back towards beginning of college me and my buddies were smoking pot(i long since quit) out by the mall. Kid shows up and we say no to him joining. He fights my friend and got his asshole whooped. But he wouldn't give and my buddy says its over. he choke my buddy and my buddy is just tearing into him. i finally pulled the mace on him. we go to leave and he pulls a butterfly knife. held it to my throat while trying to figure out who Maced him and finally just robs my friends for the.little bit they had. a year or so later, i was getting head back on my shoulders after a nervous breakdown. i was going to the final club night before they closed Ceremony at Club Laga. Im wearing gothic gear and a gas mask smoking a cig, walking through Oakland to the club. Black guy approaches me saying he can get me a carton of smokes for $10 thru his Welfare...stupid me...it ended a while later me being robbed by him with a gun.
There's a lot more i can say and maybe I'll comment later, such as women walking all over a good, honest, sensitive, broken guy like me.
So i am seeking a mate, a compatible companion, to enjoy the time left. To watch the demise of humanity, whether it is less than a week away on 12/21/12, or past our lifetime...lets kick back and try to enjoy the show, and not give up our morals like the rest of the world is.